In response to last week’s Burning Man ticket lottery fiasco, False Profit, LCC has created a new currency called BurnerBucks. The launch party will take place at the Company’s monthly happy hour. Each BurnerBuck is backed by one authentic 2012 Burning Man ticket, just as each US dollar is backed by a deposit of gold in the US Treasury’s vault. Which is to say, not at all.

“Internal research indicates that current demand for Burning Man tickets exceeds supply by approximately 5000%, creating a perfectly spherical speculative bubble,” said staff econometrician Brendan Burnspan Colloran, speaking from behind a veil of smoke. He went on to explain that each BurnerBuck is actually a contract for delivery of a ticket. The Company plans to drive up the price of ticket contracts in the short term and then profit on the inevitable crash in the long run, as thousands of veteran burners and theme camps are unable to get tickets and decide not to attend. What could go wrong?

To launch this new currency product and attract counterparties for the Ticket Default Swap (TDS) insurance the Company hopes to purchase and securitize, False Profit, LLC has invited two of the Bay Area’s top musical selectors to their monthly happy hour:

• Genji (Pineapple, Jalapeño, Onion)
• KAP10 (Eggplant, Tomato, Ricotta)

As usual, the $2 fixed price of Red Stripe beers provides a solid anchor in these uncertain times.

No Bank Guarantee: BurnerBucks Accounts are not FDIC insured and may lose value.

The False Profit Happy Hour

• DJ Chrysalis (Pineapple and Jalepenos)
• Chlorophil (Pesto, Mushrooms, Extra Cheese and Sauce, Bell Peppers, and Olives)

With the new year upon us, many are wondering what wonders 2012 will bring. A fire-breathing, tequila-pounding winged serpent here to lift us from our humdrum lives to an elevated existence? A more subtle shift in the energetic flows that guide all human behavior, ushering in a more peaceful era? Straight up fire and brimstone apocolypse as the 13th b’ak’tun ends?

False Profit may not have all the answers but we do have a dynamite Equity coming your way to start the new year off right. As always, no cover, $2 Red Stripes, donation pizza, a bunch of your friends, and lively serpent-oriented conversation.

The False Profit Happy Hour

In olden times, people celebrated midwinter by cutting down the the largest possible tree and burning it: the Yule log. To our modern sensibilities this sounds like an unsustainable eco-tragedy, but back when trees were far more plentiful than warm places it probably made a ton of sense.

These holidays, we gather around the largest possible stacks of speakers to find some friendly warmth and escape the prevailing cold consumerist climate. No stressful travel plans needed. False Profit, LLC brings you a simple gathering and promises not to make you eat any fruitcake.

To help get you in the spirit, we’ll have some red and green themed pizzas. And as always, $2 Red Stripes served in their traditionally festive bottles will be available.

DF Tram (green bell pepper and mushroom)
DJ Unagi (jalapeno and artichoke hearts)

False Profit, LLC is honored to support MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) in their 25th anniversary celebration. We will be curating an Interactive Playground at The Medicine Ball on Saturday, December 10. Beats for the event include Mochipet, SugarPill, Ill-Esha, MiKHAL, VNDMG, and Michael Garfield. Details and tickets here.

You can also see the Interactive Playground the day before on Friday, December 9. This is MAPS’ prelude to the Medicine Ball, called The Kaleidoscope Vault. Details and tickets here.

Faced with increasing unemployment rates, groups are gathering in increased numbers at “happy hour events” across the nation. Contrary to the long-held notion that these events were solely attended by people with full time jobs, new research shows that attendees include equal parts employed, underemployed, and unemployed people.

“I definitely thought happy hours were just for people with, like, jobs to, you know, kick back after a really taxing day at the office,” said one self-described “funemployed” attendee who wished to remain anonymous. “But these events are a way for me to network with likeminded people and, perhaps more importantly, keep my morale high with discounted drinks,” he said while sipping a $2 Red Stripe.

“Plus, these beats are slammin.”

== EQUITY ==
The False Profit Happy Hour
Wednesday, October 12, 5:30p to 9:00p
Il Pirata (2007 16th at Potrero)

*Alxndr (Mushrooms)
*Karim So (Veggie Deluxe)

The False Profit Happy Hour
Wednesday, September 14, 5:30p to 9:00p

Not only was life discovered on another planet (or at least in your
mind) earlier this month, we also found that life goes on after you
get home from the desert. Five years solid now, EQUITY happy hour
brings you hot pizza, cold beer, and deep bass. This week’s
installment will be no exception.

* Obi-J (artichoke + feta + pesto & red sauce)
http://www.obi-j.com/

* Tones (ricotta and basil)
http://timjon.es/

False Profit was in the middle of announcing an important anthropological breakthrough regarding their annual Tuesday Night Party held in Black Rock City.

Jessica Hinel, Senior Artifact Designer at False Profit’s Applied Anthropology Division introduced the breakthrough. “We all know that a ‘rite of passage’ is an anthropological concept designating a ritual event that marks a change in cultural status. But what we’ve discovered is that our Tuesday Night Party has itself become a ‘rite of passage’ for—”

But before Ms. Hinel could finish, the foreclosed property behind the podium collapsed on Wall Street, producing a large crashing sound that drowned out her words. Several investors witnessed the Market fleeing the scene.

“In another context, that crashing would be a good sign,” said Jay Oberhelman, VP of Fossil Vibrations, while watching the home collapse. “Like if it came from our Tuesday Night speakers.”

False Profit, LLC recommends a trip to the desert for its Tuesday Night Party at Esplanade & 3:30 to find out what a ‘rite of passage’ is all about.

“Wall Street will unfortunately not be joining us,” said Rosco Petracula, Lead Rapture Statistician. “It was last seen chasing the Market into its native habitat, an altogether different desert—a cultural desert—where societal rituals go to die.”

Where: Esplanade & 3:30
When: Tuesday Night

Broxtronix ::: Dr. Toast ::: ill.Gates ::: Kid Kameleon ::: Lokae ::: Love and Light ::: MiM0SA ::: More Champagne (Gladkill & ChrisB) ::: Obi-J ::: R/D ::: saQi ::: Tinker

The False Profit Happy Hour
Wednesday, August 10, 5:30p to 9:00p

This is a rare opportunity to experience two seasoned veterans of both the music and art worlds. Although they are much more than DJs, the relaxed friendly setting of an urban happy hour asks only their music selection services. The grace of your company will compliment the $2 Red Stripes and free pizza perfectly.

* Ganucheau (spinach and olives)
http://ganucheau.com/

* MADrONE (artichoke hearts and sundried tomatoes)
http://www.matthewmadrone.org/

== Equity ==
The False Profit Happy Hour
Wednesday, July 13, 5:30p to 9:00p
Il Pirata (2007 16th at Potrero)

* Dr. Toast (jalapeño and pineapple)
http://drtoast.bandcamp.com/album/gravity-is-quiet

* Watsonix (artichoke hearts and sundried tomatoes)
http://soundcloud.com/watsonic

Yeah, it’s on. Details at the Priceless site.