FPY3

FP Looks Back on Three Profitable Years

Time: Sun, Jul 11, 2004 at 3:00 PM – Sun, Jul 11, 2004 at 11:00 PM
Location: FPHQ

This Sunday, False Profit invites all investors and associates to a barbecue at FPHQ to celebrate its three years of redefining Corporate America. Please join us from 3pm to 9pm, after which we will engage the company video projector to screen a movie outside. The Company has been able to cut costs for the event while avoiding controversial layoffs by minimizing the food budget; FP will happily provide grills, condiments, and – of course – delicious beats, but asks that all investors please bring their own food to prepare. We appreciate your understanding as we continue to search for novel ways to guarantee zero percent financial return.

Company Takes the Magic Number

FP executives were beaming as they revealed that their impending third birthday will provide access to an amazing property: the number three itself. The Company, after consultation with its legal representation, now announces that they will move to trademark the number three, protecting it from millenia of other parties’ copyright infringement and misappropriation of FP intellectual property (FPIP). FP insists it will vigorously pursue monetary compensation for all unlicensed use – future or past – of this new piece of FPIP.

Legal experts say this could earn The Company unprecedented rewards via IP litigation, including but not limited to these notable infringements:

- The Catholic Church’s longstanding exploitation of “The Trinity” in its marketing materials. FP could gain possession of the Church’s extensive holdings on six continents, with value in the trillions of dollars.

- Schoolhouse Rock’s educational recording “Three Is the Magic Number”.

- The widespread use of the term “threesome” in the porn industry.

- The estates of triceratops dinosaurs.

- The Jackson 5 song “ABC”.

- The three Matrix films’ extensive use of the character “Trinity”.

- All other film and book trilogies.

FP lawyers are investigating whether this FPIP will also grant The Company similar rights to all numbers greater than three; counting to four and above requires passing over three, they point out.